Divorce: Rough on Kids.

I feel for those going through a divorce. It is a painful and unpleasant experience.  Someone just came into my office last week to talk about it. But she didn’t come to talk about herself, she came to talk about her child. She inherently knew that divorce would take its toll on him, and wanted some advice as to how to diffuse the situation. As she talked, I found myself thinking about my own experiences as a child of divorce, as well as giving her some things to think about for the future.

Here are some of the ways that divorce is rough on kids:

1. Abandonment. Divorce is often internalized as abandonment by a child. I was 9 years old when my parents divorced and I remember feeling very alone. It was just me and my mom now. I remember feeling that it was now my job to take care of her. I would have to bear the burden of responsibilities. I was left to do the “man” duties around the house, and I didn’t especially want them.
2. Betrayal. Every marriage starts with a promise. It is a promise to stay together “till death do us part,” but it is also a promise to protect future children. In time, kids begin to identify divorce as a betrayal of that promise. Because trust is shattered, they often have trouble trusting others in the future. Kids may also begin to feel that divorce was somehow their fault. It’s easier to accept that blame on yourself, than to have trust betrayed by the ones you love.
3. It takes away financial stability. We became quite poor for several years following divorce. My mom and I subsided on a minimal income of food stamps and whatever job she could hold. The financial side effects had crippling effects long into my college years. It also left me alone in a house for long hours after school while she tried to make ends meet.
4. It’s complicated. One of the worst parts of divorce never ends. It’s a logistical nightmare. Kids are forced into a situation of visitation or shared custody that is confusing, alienating and frustrating. I remember having to pack up my clothes every week to visit the other parent. Just when I got used to being in my new environment, I would have to pack up again and go home. Unfortunately, this scenario does not end when you turn 18. The complications of divorce still ripple in my life today. Holidays, birthdays, vacations, visits home, step-siblings/parents—all are made much more difficult.
5. It shakes your identity. For a long time after my parent’s divorce, my identity was shaken. Without a father around for a period of life, it was difficult to frame who I was. From the simple—what sports team do I root for? To the complex—what do I want to be when I grow up? This lack of identity leads to a lack of security. Boys and girls of divorce will often feel inadequate among their peers, even if those peers are going through the same thing.

I could easily go on with a list like this, but these are some of the roughest ones. They are the reasons why God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16). But if divorce is beyond your control, there are many ways to get help for your kids. One of the best programs that I am aware of is called DC4K--Divorce Care for Kids. We are running it at my church with wonderful results. But also remember that God can redeem even the worst circumstances. I know, because He did for me!

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