One secret to a great marriage

I found out recently that a young married couple that I am friends with have a secret. It’s a deep dark secret that they don’t just share with anyone. But they let me in on it, and now I am going to tell you:

They use secret hand signals.

Oh yeah. Hand signals. All I could think of was, in 18 years of marriage why had I not thought of this?

For instance, when they are talking socially in a group, and one of them needs to break away from an awkward conversation, they have a signal for that. If it’s late, and it’s time to go home but they don’t want to be rude, they have a signal for that.

Now that I have broken into their little code, of course, they can no longer use these signals on me. I can go on being as awkward as I want to be, and I will remain…inescapable.

But I digress.

I wondered what hand signals I could begin to implement in my marriage? I could certainly use one for talking about stuff around my 3 children. Spelling words out no longer works when all of your kids can read. “Hey honey, do you think we should go to H-e-r-s-h-e-y Park this weekend?” I mean, even my 6 year figured that one out.

Or maybe I could use a secret hand signal at church? Like if the sermon is going too long, or if someone is telling me about their foot problem. This could be very useful. I would signal for my wife, and she would come rescue me from being perceived as rude.

And then there is the matter of what these secret signs should look like. I, for one, would like to use big swooping gestures. Like flapping my arms like a bird or jumping up and down on one leg. Probably I would like to add sound effects as well.

Subtle, I know.

What do you think? What would be the most useful time to have a secret hand signal?

How I knew she was the one

Today marks my wedding anniversary.

I met my wife at college. When I saw her, some swooning orchestral music began to play and angels danced. The room turned bright pink and started to spin around whilst cupids shot their tiny bows in my direction. (Notice how smoothly I dropped a KJV bomb in that last sentence--whilst).

Nah, actually it wasn’t like that at all. Here’s what really happened:

We were at a retreat and she caught my eye. So I did what every good Christian playah would do: I figured out where she was sitting and sat my Bible next to her seat. Then, after she sat down, I came in with my most innocent “nice guy” look and sat down next to her (swagger like Mark Wahlberg, innocence of Seth Rogan). I must admit, It was one of my best all time moves. But as soon as I sat down, she grabbed her stuff and moved seats. Ouch! Male ego taken down several notches.

But I wasn’t done yet. I had many other moves. I found out that she needed some help on a creative project, so I offered my assistance. As I colored in nametags with neon colored magic markers, I was sure she was wooed by my sensitive side. Then I pulled out the big guns. I “forgot” my sweater when I left.

Oh yea, that’s how I roll.

I pursued her like this for some time. She was still not as impressed with me, as I was enamored by her. Eventually my insecurity won out and I pressured her into making a “decision” about dating me. I gave her a little slip of paper and it said: “Do you like me? Circle Yes or No.” Well, not quite that bad, but it was that immature.

But I’m so glad she said yes.

I knew within weeks that this was someone that I could marry, and that was the critical difference from the other girls that I had dated. It wasn’t too long before could marry turned to should marry turned to must marry. We dated for about 2 years, got engaged, married, and lived happily ever after. Or something like that.

So how did I know she was the one for me? Well, I just knew. And I can’t imagine my life without her.

Check out this popular post: when should I get married.

When should I get married?

A good friend was chatting with me over lunch about marriage. The question at the table: should young adults be encouraged to get married younger, or wait until they are more mature?

It’s no secret that marriage has taken a beating in our society—divorce rates, media messages, Charlie Sheen (need I say more?). As a result, twenty-somethings are getting married much later in life. In 1960, two-thirds (68%) of all twenty-somethings were married. In 2008, it was down to 26%. Social scientist, Mark Regnerus, recently made the point that in biblical times, Paul had to argue that singleness was a viable option to marriage. But now, it seems, the argument needs to be made for marriage. It’s as if people forgot how beautiful and fulfilling marriage really is. As if they look at it as something to be avoided until the last hour when it’s time to grow up and get serious. Regnerus concludes that because of this mentality, twenty-somethings are giving up some of the best married years of their lives.

Of course, we all know that couple that should have waited a few more years to get married.

I was married at the tender age of 21 and I had no doubts it was the right decision. 18 years later, and I still have no doubts. Was I crazy to get married so early? Shouldn’t I have spent more time “finding myself”, “playing the field”, and pulling all-nighters playing x-box? Why in the world would I give those things up so early in my life?

Besides how incredible my wife is, I have three reasons:

1. Because a monogamous marriage is God’s idea.  I mean, check it out. It’s all over his Book. He’s got the patent on the whole “one man for one woman” thing. And it works too. Especially when He’s at the center. He loves marriage because he invented it. (Things get pretty messy when the patent is changed, though—three’s a crowd.)
2. Because marriage offers relational permanence.  That’s the whole “one flesh” concept (Gen. 2:24). It’s awesome. The longer you’re married, the more intimacy is possible, the closer you can get. With God’s help, divorce does not have to be an option when conflicts arise.
3. Because marriage is the place for life-giving sexuality.  There’s an expression that I absolutely hate. “Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?” And yet, it’s how things seem in our over-sexed culture right now. I have heard many express their disdain for marriage, ending in this phrase. If we reserve sexuality and true intimacy for marriage, it elevates the worth of marriage, and lowers the risk of divorce.

So, don’t get married if you are not ready. And there is never a reason to rush into it. But don’t have a negative view of it either that pushes it off too long. You will never get back these invigorating years of your life.