Guest post: Ben reed on self discipline

Today's post is by community groups pastor Ben Reed.  Check out his site for church insights and more.  Here is a sampling of his work:

Future-minded discipline
Self-discipline: the act of doing something you don't want to do to achieve a result you couldn't otherwise achieve.

Self-discipline is all about the future. It may feel like it's all about the present, but it should always have the future in mind.

With just the present in mind, discipline is awful. Debilitating. Cumbersome. Stupid. But self-discipline bridges the gap between who you are right now and who you want to become.

Without self-discipline, who you are right now is who you will be next year. And if you're anything like me, that's a scary thought. I hope and pray that, this time next year, I've matured.

"For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. - Hebrews 12:11

Question: What areas of your life do you exercise self-discipline? Have you seen fruit from it?

What are you holding on to?

We had to read a lot of books about adoption to prepare for ours. It was a mandatory part of our training. One of the books said that orphans will often have trouble sharing. They have lived for so long owning so little, that what they have is held very tightly.
When I was leafing through my pictures of our recent visit to meet Matthew, this truth popped. The American families had each brought some toy to share with all the kids. There was a round of bubbles. There was a round of bouncy balls. There was a round of sidewalk chalk. There was a round of stickers. Each time we would move to another round, Matthew would grab the new toy, but keep the last toy in his other hand. This was visible in almost every photograph we took of him. He would be playing soccer with me, and clutching onto his bouncy ball. He was writing on the ground with chalk, and clutching his sheet of stickers. He would be bouncing a ball, and clutching the bubbles. He would not put them down. He would not release them. He did not want to let go.

Observing this was a little sad, but it also made me think of my own life. It’s like the Lord gives me a gift, and I am so happy about it, but I can’t seem to release something else in my life that it was meant to replace. It made me wonder how many things do I forfeit in order to hold onto the old? What have I missed out on because of my fear of letting go? How much anxiety does this cause?

How is it for you? What are you holding onto so tightly that you can’t receive the gift that God is holding out to you?

1 Peter 5:7: Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Check out my interview on Jason Boyett's blog today...

How to keep Facebook from ruining your relationships

Facebook has been around for almost 7 years now, and if you’re like me, it just feels like a normal part of your life. Google + is growing fast, and will only increase the amount of time we spend “socially networking” with friends and relatives. There is no doubt in my mind that Facebook has brought new levels of connections to my life. Old friends, friends who live far away, long lost relatives, and meeting new friends—all are brought closer with Facebook.

On the other hand, there are a few areas where Facebook has the tendency to diminish relationships. Friendships that could increasingly become “a mile wide, and an inch deep.” Here are some of those areas, and how to avoid putting a damper on your friendships:

1. Pictures. Do you remember a time when only your close personal friends/relatives saw your photo albums? If you got married, for instance, you would spend some time showing the wedding album to your closest circle. This act, like many others, brought a certain bond between you and an intimate few. It was a way of singling out your besties. These chosen few felt closer to you because you thought of them first.
   What can be done: Show your pictures in real life to this group before posting them.
2. Birthdays. I used to mark birthdays on my calendar as a way to remember people in a more personal way. I used to enjoy seeing that look on the face of a co-worker that said, “you remembered!” Birthdays used to be a way to build closeness and let people know you were thinking of them. Recently I tried wishing a co-worker a Happy Birthday but realized I was like 92nd in line to do so.
   What can be done: Go old fashion and buy a card or small gift that is unique to that person’s interest.
3. Big news! I got invited to a close friend’s wedding via a mass status update. Everyone was invited as long as they were a “friend.” There was no paper invitation. It’s cool that we can invite people faster and easier with Facebook, but big news used to be another way to add depth to our relationships. When I got engaged, I remember making a list of the order of just the phone calls I needed to make…Parents first, close relatives, best friend…etc.
   What can be done: Tell your big news in person first! Then, if it’s appropriate, publish the information online.
4. Gossip. It’s uncanny how many times I have seen people pass along personal and hurtful information publically on Facebook. Once the information is posted, the third party inevitably finds out about it due to the pervasive and viral nature of social media. Feelings are hurt, friendships are broken. I once witnessed a full blown war between two people on Facebook. Friends from both sides were hurling virtual rocks in defense of the other. It was vicious. Those two people still don’t talk to each other.
   What can be done: After you post something about someone else, read and re-read it to make sure there is nothing sensitive, or that it can’t be taken the wrong way by someone. If you’re not sure, don’t post it. If someone says something about you, only reply in person.
5. Apps. Some people have a good time playing Facebook apps like Frontierville, Café world, or _____. This can be a good way to let off steam and compete with friends. But there is also a danger of becoming addicted in a way that cripples your real world relationships.
   What can be done: If you are feeling like you are addicted, quit! Go find someone in real life and enjoy their company instead.

Good read on the subject.

Top 10 ways to connect with your teen

I started working with teens when I was still a teen myself. When I graduated college, I took the role as our church’s youth director, and that eventually became my first ministry job. And my second. Even though I have a long history of working with teenagers, I always knew the day would come when I would have one of my own, and that no amount of preparation would make it any easier. That day has come, so I decided to make a list of my top 10 ways for parents to connect with their teens.

#10 Remember what it was like to be a teen yourself.
It’s easy to forget how tough it was to be a teenager. Do you remember the awkwardness? The extreme fluctuation in emotions? Acne? The first time you felt rejected? Being a teen is a mild form of trauma. Remembering that will give you much more empathy.

#9 Don’t talk down to them.
I’m not sure if there is a faster way to turn off a teen then by talking to them as if they are a little child. It’s tempting to do, especially when they are acting like one. “If you’re going to act like a baby, then I’m going to treat you like one” *wags finger*. But this tone does the opposite of what you want, creating distance between you.

#8 Point out something good they do every day (even when it’s hard to find).
Some days this is easy, some days this is hard. But it’s more important when it's one of the hard days. Sometimes our teens feel like we are at war with them. We have to show them that we aren’t, and that we are really pulling for them to succeed.

#7 Don’t irritate them.
This one may be the hardest to enact. Most teens have a very low tolerance for parents’ annoyances. It doesn’t take much to set them off. But since that is true, we should never do it on purpose. This may seem obvious, but many parents push their teen’s buttons simply out of their own frustration.

#6 Say “no” to them.
Saying “no” to a teenager is no easy accomplishment. But they may ask for things that will put distance between you, so saying “yes” is not always the best option. “Hey mom, can I stay up late? Can I drive the car? Can I get this tattoo on my face?”

#5 Monitor their friendships.
I know this doesn’t sound like a way to connect, but it is. The wrong friendship will tear your teen away from you faster than you can say “Lindsay Lohan.” Of course the older they get, this will become less and less possible, so start when they are younger.

#4 Allow them more and more liberties.
I think a parent makes a big mistake by allowing everything to younger children. For instance, if a 9 year old gets a cell phone, a Facebook account, and a fake I.D., you will have very little to offer later in life. A good rule of thumb is to allow an increasing amount of responsibility as a child gets older. Giving a teen some new right, without them earning it, is a great way to acknowledge that they are becoming an adult. They will thank you for it (but probably not out loud).

#3 Do something with them that they enjoy, just the two of you.
This is the most fun one of the list. Study your teen, know what they like, and surprise them by taking them out for a fun night—one on one. It’s amazing how this will increase the communication and trust levels.  Then turn this step into a habit!

#2 Tell them and show them that you love them.
Then Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

#1 Point them to Jesus
Without a connection to God, teens will walk further and further away from you. Nothing is more important than organically pointing teenagers to the love of God, found through his Son.

My friend Aaron highly recommends this helpful book for parents of teens.

What would you add to this list?

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What I want you to know (to my 13 year old daughter)

A momentous occasion is about to happen in my house. My oldest daughter is turning 13. Feelings of shock and awe. There are so many things I’d like to say to her, that I compiled a list. But I realize that words are not enough. If I have not shown her by now how I feel, words will simply be empty...lifeless.
With hopes of encouraging others, I got her permission to share the list:

• I want you to know that I am so proud of you.
• I want you to know that you are loved…loved by God and loved by me. No Father can love you more; no father can love you more.
• I want you to know that although my love for you is great, it does not compare to the Father’s love for you. You can always trust in His love, always.
• I want you to know that you are beautiful. Inside and out. Spend time working on your inner beauty, it lasts forever.
• I want you to know that when you were born, I couldn’t stop tearing up when I thought about you. This emotion started the day we found out you were a girl, and continues on today. I’m sure it will ever end.
• I want you to know that a father thinks about his daughter’s future wedding day. To be honest, it is a feeling of dread that starts shortly after she is born. But it is also mixed with hope that she will marry someone grand to share her days with.
• I want you to know that God has an incredible plan for your life. He has equipped you with gifts, talents, and brains, and he will uniquely use you for his glory. You have to be attentive, but you will hear his leading.
• I want you to know that the world will try to lie to you about so many things. It will tell you that beauty is skin deep. It will tell you that sex is ok before marriage. It will try to convince you that you aren’t good enough, that you need something more. Hold fast to what God says, and don’t believe the lies.
• I want you to know that there is nothing more fulfilling than following Jesus with your whole life. He has never let me down. He will never let you down either.

There are so many other things that I want you to know, but most of all…
I love you!

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Football and Faithfulness

I was watching my son play football last summer when it hit me.

Faithfulness.

I love to watch my kids do things. Any parent does. I was cheering, the video was rolling, hoping he would score the TD. He went out long, the entire length of a short field, the ball came spiraling over his head. It was overthrown. The crowd (of 12 very biased parents) were on their feet. You could hear a slight gasp. He leaped further than I thought he could leap. The ball grazed his fingers in the end zone, but he was unable to hang on. He fell to the ground.

It was great.

The truth is, he could have come up 4-feet short, and I still would have been thrilled. He could have grabbed the ball and ran into the wrong end zone, and I still would have been proud of him.

And then it hit me.

The crowd of people were titillated by the big play, but what really won the game for us was the boys who weren’t getting cheers. They were quietly doing battle on the line of scrimmage. They were just playing their roles, faithfully. They set up, they pushed back the other players, they guarded their quarterback, they fell down sometimes. And then they did it all over again. They would pick up a yard or two, but not allow our team to go backwards.

The Bible calls this faithfulness.

Let me ask you a question, would you rather catch one winning “touchdown” in life, or everyday do what God has called you to do? No accolades. No cheerleaders. No great video footage. For me the choice is simple. God calls us to be faithful.

But the fruit of the Spirit is…faithfulness (Gal. 4:22)

A funny thing happened on the way to Budapest

I’m pretty sure that I could write a book on my misadventures of being a former youth pastor. But then, anyone who has been a youth pastor could do the same.
One time we were headed to Budapest, Hungary on a plane. One of the teens decided he had to use the loo. (You know, the W.C.--the water closet, the restroom…the TOILET.) He had to use it in the way that requires a bit more time. Being a teenage boy, he decided to announce to our whole group what he was doing, and that he always wanted to go to the bathroom miles above the earth.

Announcing it was a big mistake.

The group immediately began scheming as to what they would do to him while he was in there. Coming up with nothing, they decided to simply beat on the door while he did his business.

I was trying to sleep, but an angry French man felt disturbed about all of the commotion and started swearing at me. He swore at me because, he said, all Americans were freaking pig dogs. Except he didn’t say freaking.

I went to see what all the commotion was about at the loo, but when my group saw me coming they scattered like ants. I went a little closer and saw that the bathroom door was off its hinges—completely. It was just…there. And the boy (who shall remain nameless, but you know who you are Dan) was still inside, finishing up.

He came out, laughed a bit, and there I was holding the airplane toilet door, in my hands. Angry French guy was livid. He looked at me as if I was the cause of a new French revolution. In the sky. Stewardesses were headed up both aisles in my direction. I was expecting, at any moment, to hear “the captain speaking”...to me.

Anyone who’s ever led teen groups knows it always ends this way—You holding the bag, while your group laughs at you from a safe distance.

But I would do it all over again.

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Guest Post: The Harvest Is Here

Today's guest post is by Renee Johnson, the "Devotional Diva."  I recently had the honor of endorsing her next work, Not Another Dating Book.  It's terrific!  She loves to bring insight from the Bible and encourage people.

“Then Isaiah said to Hezekiah, “Here is the proof that what I say is true: ‘This year you will eat only what grows up by itself, and next year you will eat what springs up from that. But in the third year you will plant crops and harvest them; you will tend vineyards and eat their fruit’” (2 Kings 19:29, NLT).

I remember growing up and how I couldn’t wait to be an adult. To accept responsibility with bliss. Be my own person.

My mom famously said to me to wait until I grow up because responsibility isn’t what it seems.

In other words, it ain’t easy.

I would flit my eyelashes at her while I roll my eyes and inwardly groan. I wanted so badly to be an adult.

Flash forward many years and the struggles in life. If I were to tell you how many hard things I experienced, I would make YOU groan. The eczema. Anxiety. Panic attack. Years of my life without skin. Forced home schooling. Yeah. Adulthood sucks.

But there was one glimmer of hope.

Writing. No matter how difficult my day was, if I was contemplating suicide, or planning out the next five years of my life—I wrote and wrote about everything.

It would shock you to know that I actually went to college to become a high school math teacher until God shut that down. He opened my eyes to see the truth in His Word and the number of pages I had scribbled while I poured my heart out to God through my pen with huge droplets of tears moistening the pages.

I was supposed to write.

But how? When? I began blogging back in 2004 as a way to get my thoughts about whatever verse I read that day in hopes of encouraging my fellow prisoners in the Lord (Ephesians 3:1). And it stuck. The harvest began.

I was completely satisfied to blog and finish out my schooling with Biola University. That is until my least favorite teacher of the worst class ever had to ruin my plans for a future.

He asked me, “Why aren’t you published?”

Uh. Me?

Hello?

Muah?

NO!

I expected my harvest of peace to come through other means. That God would use my incredible story and testimony of His continued healing other ways.

In 2008 I signed my first book contract and scrounged up all the blog posts I could find from the past 7 years, thus became “Faithbook of Jesus.”

If that weren’t enough, God made me live my words all over again. Suffering came over me like a flood. A tidal wave of Egyptians swirling all around me, causing me to panic.

I couldn’t breathe.

God opened a way through my misery and set my feet back on solid ground. In 2010 I signed my second book contract and began writing about my dashed hopes and dreams of being married called “Not Another Dating Book.”

I told myself I was writing it for all the Christian singles out there that hate dating books and are tired of formulas and people telling them what to do.

Then I met Marc.

It says in 2 Kings 19 that in the third year, Hezekiah would plan and harvest. This is my harvest. I am seeing the benefits to anguish. Planting in tears. Giving up my life to find a new one.

Time Magazine recently put out a study on millenials and called us Twixsters. They talked about why it’s taking so long for the 20-somethings to get going with life, marriage and career.

I don’t know what’s holding you back, but I know for me it was my health and the legitimacy of God’s plan.

He is sovereign.

No matter how much I whined and complained about the so-called lack of harvest, the fact is—the harvest is here and it is now. It is happening all around us if we choose to accept the responsibility.

Do the work.

What about you? Is your harvest now or three years from now?

I am here to encourage you to be patient and endure with joy the difficult days as an adult.

Come on you can do it. The harvest is here!

“So let us stop going over the basic teachings about Christ again and again. Let us go on instead and become mature in our understanding. Surely we don’t need to start again with the fundamental importance of repenting from evil deeds and placing our faith in God” (Hebrews 6:1, NLT).

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Matthew, Orphans, and the Starfish Cliché

When I met my adopted son Matthew for the first time, my wife and I were surrounded by other children. We would try to snap a picture of him on our digital camera, but when we looked at the camera screen 4 or 5 other kids would be in the frame. They loved the attention.

Africa has an orphan crisis.

• Some estimates say that there are 53.1 million orphans in sub-Saharan Africa.
  You would have to add up all the children in Denmark, Sweden, Ireland, Norway and Canada to reach that number.
• That’s 12% of all the children in sub-Saharan Africa.
• 30% of these children lost parents to AIDS.
• Every day, 5,760 more children become orphans.
• Every 15 seconds, another child in Africa becomes an AIDS orphan.

Stats like these can be overwhelming. They can cause us to throw up our hands and ask, “Is there really any hope?” The stats can be more discouraging than enabling. They can cause us to shrink back instead of move forward.

When I met Matthew, though, I was reminded of the perhaps clichéd story of the boy and the starfish. You know the one. It goes like this:

A boy was on a beach throwing starfish into the sea. The sun was hot and the starfish were dying because a wave had brought them too far out into the sand. Problem was, there were starfish as far as the eye could see across the dunes. A man came across and shook his head at the boy. “You’re wasting your time kid!” he said. “Can’t you see how many starfish there are? You could throw them back for days and have no impact at all. It would only be a drop in the bucket. You’re not making any difference.” The boy was unperturbed. He picked up another starfish and hurled it into the water. He had a look of satisfaction on his face as he said,

“It made a difference for THAT one.”

And that’s just how I felt when I met Matthew.

Spiritual Lessons from Michael Scott: Goodbye Toby

Finally, in season 4’s “Goodbye Toby,” Michael gets to rid himself of his least favorite person on earth—Toby Flenderson. Why he hates Toby so much is anybody’s guess. Despite Michael’s view of The Office as one big happy family, Toby is the butt of all of his jokes and is not accepted. Early on in the episode Michael declares with vengeance:

Toby has been cruisin' for a bruisin' for twelve years. And I am now his cruise director. And my name is Captain Bruisin'.

Captain Bruisin. Nice.

Michael awaits with eager anticipation the moment to give Toby his exit interview. Michael is under the opinion that an exit interview is the time that he can grill Toby with all the questions he always wanted to ask. When the HR director (lovely Holly) demands that she sit in on the interview, Michael realizes he can no longer be cruel, but he has no choice but to read off his pre-written questions off his cue cards!

Question 1: *asked nicely* “Who do you think you are?

Question 2: *asked awkwardly* “What gives you the right?”

He has a going away present for Toby which is a rock that says “suck on this,” but because Holly is there, he ends up giving Toby his treasured wristwatch instead.

He now believes Toby to be monstrous.

Thanks to Toby I have a very strong prejudice against Human Resources. I believe that the department is a breeding ground for monsters. What I failed to consider though, is that not all monsters are bad. Like ET.

Ok, now for something slightly spiritual…

Church is a family too. But there is always that one family member you could live without. Truth is, you may not even remember why anymore. Was it a falling out? Was it something he said? Or is it just her personality? It doesn’t matter. God says, that because we are his children, we are also brothers and sisters. And we need to love one another. When you are having trouble getting along with someone, try thinking of them as your literal sibling, and see the difference it starts to make. Pray blessings on them. Pray for God to heal the situation. Go out of your way to do something nice to them. It will make all the difference.

Or you could just give them a rock.

What is one of your favorite quotes from The Office?

Spiritual lessons from Michael Scott - “Scott’s Tots”

Season 6, Episode: “Scott’s Tots”

It’s hard to pick my favorite Office episode, but “Scott’s Tots” has to be right up there. In this episode, the audience is made aware that years earlier Michael has promised scholarships to a whole class of underprivileged youth if they graduate from high school. Well, they do. And the day of reckoning comes, when Michael has to make good on his promise.

I just--I fell in love with these kids. And I didn't want to see them fall victim to the system. So I made 'em a promise. I told them if they graduated from high school, I would pay for their college education. I have made some empty promises in my life but, hands down that was the most generous.

Hmm. It’s easy to be generous when it doesn’t cost us, isn’t it?

Michael’s motivation was good, as he thought he would have the money by then:

I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was thirty, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by forty, but by forty I had less money than I did when I was thirty.

When Michael finally meets the students he gives them the bad news. He tries to make his catastrophe right by offering them…laptop batteries.

Now, I can't pay for your college. But you don't have to go to class, to be in class. Online classes are a viable option to a traditional college experience. [unzips suitcase] And the best way to access those courses is with your own personal laptop. Which is rendered useless, without batteries. And I have one for each of you.

Ouch!

The Bible says that a godly person “keeps an oath even when it hurts…” (Ps. 15:4).

Have you ever promised something you couldn’t deliver?

Lessons from Michael Scott: Be careful HOW you say it

I really like the TV show The Office. If you’re like me, during the summer, you start to have The Office withdrawal. This summer is even worse since Office fans are reeling with the news that Michael Scott will not be returning next season. (Apparently James Spader will be his replacement.) So, to help you with your summer fix, I’ve decide to write a series of posts on lessons we can learn from Michael Scott.

Lesson #1 Be very careful how you say it
Taken from season 4, episode 1: “Fun Run”

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Oscar: Where?
Michael Scott: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her, life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?

Wow! That’s funny. And kind of wrong. Did you ever let something slip out of your mouth that you immediately wish you could take back? I know I have. Or maybe it wasn’t what you said, like Michael, it was how you said it? I’ve done that too.

When I am out of country, I can’t help but notice how many of us Americans do this. We come in with a view that our way is better, and let it out by our expressions. Like, we will find out what the other country doesn’t have, or doesn’t do like us, and add a look of concern. “You don’t have plumbing in your house?" said with sympathetic look. Or, “You don’t own a car?” said with incredulous look. Or what I said last week: “this food is great!” followed by slight gag reflex. The trouble is, the words may be fine, but the way we say them leave a person feeling something else.

Have you ever done this?

Heavy

Mount Entoto, Addis Ababa

Saturday I was climbing up a mountain in Addis Ababa when I was reminded of something profound. We were in a van, which was good, since the air was very thin due to the altitude, and I think I would have died trying to climb it. All along the steep incline, we saw women carrying huge bundles on their backs. We were told that the women do much of the heavy labor here. Some of these women were clearly grandmothers, and had shoes that were falling apart. Their face expressions betrayed the weight of their cargo as they trudged along the hill. We were told that they did this every single day of their lives, starting from a very young age. We saw little girls as well, smaller packs on their back, verifying this.

Two different thoughts crossed my mind when I saw them:

1. The next time I have work that I am not enjoying, I will remember these women, and not complain about it.
2. But more importantly: I wonder if this is what we can look like spiritually to God? Trudging up and down our mountain of life, all the while carrying this huge burden on our back. We start young and continue on until we are very old--not sure of how to go about liberating ourselves from the weight.

Herein lies a profound spiritual truth. We are all under the weight of sin until Christ comes and liberates us from it. We all can choose to live life carrying around our burdens, or we can choose a life of freedom and liberty from them.

The women in Ethiopia, of course, have no choice. They must carry these burdens around all of their days. But inwardly, many of them know true freedom, and utter peace because of Christ. They no longer carry the heavier spiritual weight of guilt and despair.

How does your journey feel?

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  (Mt. 11:29)

Who's your daddy?

One of the strange things about meeting Matthew for the first time was that we were not allowed to address him as “Mommy” and “Daddy.” Since he is not legally adopted yet, we had to sort of fake it.

We know we are to become his mom and dad, but he does not.

Matthew doesn’t have a father. His father died of TB when he was only 2 years old. Matthew’s life has taken a turn since that time. Consider all of the things that have changed:

• He is now an orphan. He has no family.
• His home is an orphanage.
• His economic situation is dire.
• His health is poor.
• I could go on and on.  But you get the picture.

Even though his situation is about to change, he doesn’t know it. He life is about to shift from no-family to family. But he doesn’t have to accept it.

Could you imagine if he continued to live like an orphan?

• He rejected us as mom and dad
• He refused love, acceptance, and family
• He continued to wear his old clothes, eat the same food
• He refused education, his new bed, his new siblings

A person could be part of a new family, but refuse to live like it. We could have all the rights, privileges, love, family and acceptance, but not embrace these things. Paul says it this way in Romans 8:15-17:

…The Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.

The biggest difference you will see in your life as a Christ-follower will only be realized when you fully embrace your new status as a true child of God. You are no longer an orphan, you are his child!

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Today I met my adopted son

We travelled to Ethiopia today. It took us all night, but we made it. The plane ride started out with my wife sitting on one side of me and a tiny Ethiopian woman on the other. But then the largest man on the plane decided to switch seats with her just before takeoff. That’s ok though because he was nice, and the three of us worked out a mutually beneficial system of synchronized bathroom visits.

It’s amazing how dazed you feel when you have been up all night without a moment of sleep. When we hit the ground in Addis, we had that feeling. For me it was coupled with a sinus pressure headache, a lovely stomach issue, and my body’s rebellion against our skipping dinner. We met our contact, Abel, and he was very cool. He wore a shirt that said “Oregon” and then naturally asked if we were from Oregon. I said no, no we were not. We were from Pennsylvania. This threw him a little bit since I had my favorite Providence Friars shirt on. (Whenever I wear this shirt when I travel, people stop me to ask if I know so-and-so. Sure enough, someone in Addis asked if I knew so-and-so, from Providence. People apparently believe Rhode Island is so small that every person knows every other person.)

Abel gave us the surprise of the trip by telling us that we were going to the orphanage…today! We were happy, but the change of plans also scared us. I mean, we looked like death, smelled like feet, and were as disoriented as drug users. (We’re not though--drug users.)

Meeting Matthew was amazing. It was a group setting, and we were not allowed to single him out, or tell him that we will become his mom and dad. There was an immediate connection between us. He is perfect. We bounced a ball together, snapped lots of pictures, and tried to include all the other kids at the orphanage in the fun. My wife’s toughest emotions were about all the other children there. Who would come for them? There was another adoptive couple in the room with us. They were great, and as God would have it, were also from PA.

At one point, a bigger kid took Matthew’s bouncy ball away from him. I waited to see his response. His eyes started to well up with tears. He did not fight back, but he pleaded to have it back. He wanted to keep throwing it to me. He really enjoyed this attention that he was getting, and neither of us wanted it to end. The bigger boy did give him the ball back.

All the while I was thinking… Soon, Matthew. Soon. Our lives are about to change.

When we left, it wasn’t quite as hard as we expected, because we will be visiting the orphanage twice more. Out of nowhere, Matthew came to say goodbye to me with a big hug. We hugged for a long while. And then he kissed me on the back of the neck.

This was the day I met my new son.

[Sorry no picture! We are not yet allowed to post.]

Times change but the heart does not

Happy Independence Day!  If all goes well, Lesa and I are on a plane to Ethiopia today.  So, I have a special guest post from Bohemian Bowmans.  I think you will enjoy her style!  She is working on an e-book as well called "Parenting Wild Things!"

I really like old people. At least, I’m starting to. I know that sounds terrible and shallow and immature. But what can I say – I’ve been terrible and shallow and immature. AKA – young.

I’ve never given elderly people much thought before recent years. They smelled funny, they used funny words, they dressed funny. They were one big bunch of irrelevant oddness. That didn’t pertain to my life.

Then I started getting older. Granted, I’m not a bona fide old person yet. Unless perhaps you ask a 15 year old, then I’m a hair past ancient (or whatever new fangled word that young people are using to mean “old” these days). However, I have finally started to notice the tell tale signs of aging in the mirror. And it kind of scares the crap out of me.

Suddenly I realize we’re not so different, old people and I. Aging every day, growing further and further from understanding all the whippersnappers. Parts of our bodies starting to look funny and smell funny. I’m positive that even my words sound funny to the average teenager. And that is not the bomb, yo.

It makes me want to sit down with the gray haired and listen to their stories. Stories that I’ve more or less ignored before now, only placating them with pretend attention. I’m beginning to understand that technology and cultural advances don’t really change the human story that much. Boy has good and bad memories in childhood. Boy meets girl. Boy loves girl. Boy and girl get married, and wear these clothes, and have babies, and take this job, or buy this house, or get this haircut, or eat this food, or move to this place, or get divorced, or reconcile, or bury a parent, or…

It doesn’t matter what kind of car it is, or what the haircut looks like, or that the job and the market it’s a part of didn’t exist 30 years ago, or won’t exist 30 years from now. Those are minor details. The differences don’t matter nearly as much as the similarities. The only thing that really matters, the things that we really remember – are the relationships.

The stories of the ups and downs of those relationships are always relevant. They stand the test of time and technology. They are great big billboards and warning signs that God gives us to help navigate this ever advancing, ever staying the same world. I wish now that I had paid more attention to the stories of the elderly people that have passed in and out of my life.

And I hope one day some young thing will understand the importance of sitting on my porch, drinking lemonade, and listening to me reminisce about how fly things were back when we used to get jiggy with it.

Don't forget to check out her site!
Here's another cool story about loving mercy.

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The difference between girls and boys

I read this post over at Relevant Magazine that talked about how we shouldn’t let girls watch Disney because of the “princess propaganda.” Now, I know that Disney takes it a bit too far with the whole “follow your heart” shtick, and we all know that life doesn’t always end up “happily ever after” with the man/woman of your dreams. But the tone of the article struck me as wanting to genericize (oh yea, it’s a word) gender.

Ok, so here’s where I’m about to go out on a small limb and risk being seen as sexist or something.

I think that we should be ok with gender distinctives. I think it’s ok to be true to who God made you to be. I think that it’s ok for boys to be boys and girls to be girls. I think it’s part of what makes life so grand. God made it that way for a reason! He didn’t create a uni-sex world where everyone fits into the same mold. He created man, realized one sex wasn’t good enough, and so he created woman too.

I know every guy and gal is unique, but for me it is obvious. The sexes are very different. Having both girl and boy children has brought even more conviction to this belief. My son quickly became obsessed with trains, sports, and breaking things, without any help from me. My girls loved dressing up, and playing house, and (*gasp*) they even love the Disney princesses.

Maybe I’m just a bad parent.

But here’s what else. Gender is also evident in our parenting. I wish I could say I am one of those nurturing, sensitive dads, but that isn’t exactly true. If my son gets an injury, I usually rub it off, and send him back in the game. My wife, on the other hand, will continue to ask me if I think he’s really alright. The bump, she offers, might actually be a concussion. My drive for my kids seems to be that of a provider and a defender, and I know many men who feel exactly the same. I know, I know, traditionalist! To make it worse, my response to my daughters is often different than to my son. If one of them gets hurt, I turn into “EMT dad.” I race to the scene, the first aid box comes out, and on goes a SpongeBob band aid.

I know that culture tells me that my instincts are wrong in this, and that my daughters ought not to like Disney princesses. But I choose to celebrate the differences. They’re fantastic! I choose to live in a God-created world full of color and distinction. How about you?

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The time I met Rob Bell

Our youth ministry used to camp at the Creation Festival each summer. Creation is the largest Christian music festival in the world, so they tend to draw Christian celebrities. You know, not really celebrities, except for in Christian circles. I guess you could call them “minor Christian celebrities.” They hit the Jackpot one year by getting the most major of the minor Christian celebrities, by coercing Rob Bell to speak there.

Behind the field of screaming teenagers is a vendor area. This is where they sell Christian paraphernalia. I dislike Christian paraphernalia more than I dislike minor Christian celebrities. They would sell t-shirts, for instance, with brand names that were changed just slightly to make them, well, Christian. Here is an example:

The most offensive one that I saw there was made to look like Mountain Dew. It was offensive because instead of saying “Do the Dew,” it said, “Do the Jew.” I’m not kidding. It really said that. (You can see other eye-rolling designs at this site.)

So I was leafing through piles of these kinds of T’s, and imagining which of them my students might be wearing later, when I looked up to see Rob Bell right in front of me. I must admit, I was a bit star-struck at first. I mean, it was Rob Bell, the most major of the minor Christian celebrities. He looked at me, and paused to let me say something first. All I could come up with was:

“Hey, you’re Rob Bell!”

He said yes, yes he was. Then I stumbled again, wondering how to engage him, and found myself saying:

“I really like your Noomas!”

I really like your Noomas? Really? That’s what I could come up with? (Nooma videos, of course, are Rob Bell’s bestselling videos, creatively done on a variety of issues, leading him to almost instantaneous major minor Christian celebrity.)

He said, “thanks” and then walked away.

I think if I were to bump into Rob Bell again, I would probably ask him about his new book “Love Wins.” I can’t imagine he wanted the kind of publicity, notoriety, and controversy that it brought him. Christian celebrity or not. I think I would ask him if he wanted a re-do.

(Wait, or is it, a re-dew?)